It's been a while.

I was all ready to start on my biology tutorial on photosynthesis but fate intervened - as usual - and I was engulfed with this sudden need to blog about my life over the last few months. The thought of not having any concrete memories penned down in ink (well technically, 'cyber ink') felt too uncomfortable to bear, almost as if it would be wrong not to do so. So here I am, with an abundance of half-conceived and pressing thoughts but severely lacking in the abilities to do them any justice. But I'll try my best.

'How's JC?' Most people ask.

Well, JC has been an experience to say the least. It's exciting, confusing, exasperating, tiring, stressful, interesting and challenging all the same time. And as with most experiences, JC isn't a black-or-white affair, instead it falls subtly into those muted tones of grey in-betweens. There have been times where I love it, and times when the notion of leaving Singapore and never coming back seems uncharacteristically appealing. Hey, the grass always seems greener on the other side right? But to say that JC's a monster that chews you up and spits you back out as an academic-crazed slave to an undesirable social culture, borne out of the inherent need to be popular, would be a gross exaggeration as well. In fact, if anything, JC hasn't robbed me of my ability to think freely, it's accentuated what's important to me and forced me to re-evaluate what I value most in life.

I've realised through JC that I can't do half-hearted friendships, just like how you can't love someone 'halfway'; frankly, it's tiring and the whole thought of it makes me feel oddly uncomfortable. Every friend holds the key to a room of their own in my heart; a little bit of space devoted to them, no matter how long we haven't spoken or 'hung out', it remains. And even if it's been months, any time they need to or want to, they're always welcome to use that key and visit that room again. These are the people that I will always have love for, no matter the circumstance, these people will always have a place in my heart, of that I'm quite certain. But when it comes to 'semi-friends', 'maybe-friends', 'sometimes-friends', I'm confused. Do you let them in all the way? But the thought of them ever leaving reeks of pain and hurt, because once they do, they take the keys with them and although they've left, their room remains. Empty. Locked. And most terrifyingly - permanent. And so I often end up keeping these people on the peripheries, not letting them in fully because I'm afraid to let my guard down to people who might leave with a piece of me. And it just doesn't feel right. It feels funny and fake and weird and disconcerting and all the awkward emotions that you can possibly summon. So yes, I guess that half-hearted friendships built on superficial interactions aren't really my thing, but at the same time it's really a balancing act between keeping your heart open to new possibilities while trying to prevent it from hurt at the same time.. Well, I'm a really private person by nature so it's a struggle for me to stop putting up all these walls, but I'm learning to take them down slowly. Baby steps, ma cherie, baby steps.

I was going to type a long post initially, but this is taking longer than I expected and a mountain of undone homework is calling, so I guess this is all I'll post for now.