OCD.

I officially declare that I have an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts resulting in compulsive behaviors and mental acts that the person feels driven to perform, according to rules that must be applied rigidly, aimed at reducing anxiety by preventing some imagined dreaded event.

In blogging, no less. Most people can barely summon any energy or inspiration to blog, yet here I am, a warped deviation from the average teenager, with too many things to say and too little space to express it.

But, I digress. Before I characteristically veered off-course, my main intention was to talk about my brother's commencement of baldie life in NS. (Though I have to congratulate him on striking the genetic lottery and hence having a round, undented head, therefore leading to the conclusion that a really cropped crew cut hairdo isn't entirely a lost cause on him.)

So, he's going to be gone for the next two years, only returning on weekends for two days before heading back to some godforsaken camp on Pulau Tekong. I'm going to miss him especially since he's been bumming around the house since his A's ended four months ago. It feels strange to burst into his room with the intention of spilling some exciting gossip or to borrow his inordinate amount of stationery before realising that he's no longer there. It's been cleared too, the room I mean. All his stuff has been neatly packed and put away, long gone are the scattered notes on the floor and the multi-coloured post-its on his cupboard door. The ever-increasing pile of magazines has stagnated in numbers too. And as much as I hate to admit this, this house feels empty without him at times.

Most of the time, my self absorption leads to the fabrication of quite a believable illusion that nothing has changed. But it's when the house is still and both my parents are out and I walk about aimlessly, that my feet unknowingly carry me to his room. And as I stand in the darkened room, I can't help but think about how quickly time has passed. It seems like just a few years ago when I used to run over to his room and leap on his bed, bouncing up and down while we played with soft toys that our youthful imagination brought to life; how we used to hide beneath the covers quaking in fear at the phantasmal monsters that lurked underneath the bed. And I know that it'll happen again - time will pull yet another disappearing act on me and soon, I'll be waving goodbye as both of us venture into the realm of adulthood, where whimsicality is extinct and self-expression has long died.

But, I'm not going to go that far. My sixteen year old mind isn't supposed to be able to see beyond American Idol on Friday night. Instead, for now, all I want to do is wish my brother a good two years in NS; have fun and most importantly, take care.

One of those rare occasions that we bother taking a picture together (:

Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours.

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

Ever thine
Ever mine
Ever ours

- Ludwig van Beethoven (1770 - 1827)


Who even writes like this anymore? I don't know whether to feel relieved that we've been spared the intrinsity of olden English or feel dismayed at the fact that such beautiful letters are most definitely a thing of the past. Then again, hearing a male specimen of the 21st century recite something like this in a less than ardent fashion would indeed be utterly cringe-worthy.

One thing's for sure though, Antonie Brentano must be the envy of Beethoven's voluminous female fan base. And yes, I tempestuously agree that this letter does not deserve to be labelled as the-letter-that-big-read-to-carrie-in-SATC-movie for all of time.

School starts tomorrow.
The weekend passes too quickly.
As usual, it just took me too long to realise.

Maybe, definitely.

I've been drained of all my creative inspiration of late and don't seem capable of crafting even little snippets of literary work, not that they were stupendous to begin with. But though they weren't the most elegantly-written, eloquently-conveyed writings, they were far more special than merely being "beautifully written", they were true. They were true to my thoughts, they were true to my feelings and most importantly, they were true to me. And really, that's all that matters.

People always leave. And I don't just mean physically. People change on a constant basis; evolve based on the ever-changing conditions of their environment. Sounds a lot like Charles Darwin's theory of evolution from the Origin of Species eh? But, honestly, just the thought of facing something I've known all my life in one instance, and then facing something wholly unfamiliar in the next, makes me feel solicitous. I guess that's why evolution is a long and drawn-out process isn't it? It allows us time to adjust, to familiarise, to get used to the new. But it doesn't for one moment, eliminate the dull, throbbing pain that comes with the loss of something that you valued all too much.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

Our Greatest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Henley


Today was tough. Really tough.
There were easily a million moments when I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust, obliterate without leaving a trace; but guess what, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

A-n-g-e-r.

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall — think of it, always."

- Mahatma Ghandi (1869 -1948)


Wake up before it's too late.

Busy like a bumble bee.

The lessons in school today were quite light, thank goodness. I don't think my addled brain could have handled anything more intellectually-demanding. And definitely one of the highlights of my day was receiving my chinese composition paper and discovering (much to my surprise) that my chinese isn't quite so phailz after all; it's not too bad actually. It was a much needed ego-booster indeed.

Meeting today with Cheekz, Hong and Joy @ Lido was really enjoyable. We were productive (I swear, that place emits awesome efficiency vibes) and we had lots of fun while we were at it. Though I had a slightly traumatic encounter with a cup of seemingly innocuous bubble tea, I faced it tenaciously and emerged unscathed. So this is a warning to all those unsuspecting bubble-tea-drinkers out there: Expect the unexpected while drinking bubble tea, because you see those little black starch balls bobbing around? Well, yeah, believe it or not, they're lethal.

:D

It's always gonna be there, isn't it?

Today was cool.
School was fine, though I had a bit (Heh, understatement?) of trouble keeping awake during Biology. Anddd training after that was nothing noteworthy. But nevertheless, I'm in my own 'lil happy bubble right now, because tomorrow is brimming with potential and the optimist in me can't help but feel like bursting into song and dance.

And because I'm feeling all fuzzy on the inside, I'll share with you a pick-up line that I laughed quite hard at. Kudos to my dear junior Alethea.

Boy whispers to beautiful girl hesitantly: "Look, I'm not trying to impress you here... But the truth is, I am bat man."

Heee-lary-ous to the max. Yeah yeah, I've got an odd sense of humour. And I shall end off with one of my all time favourite Leyton quotes.


Lucas: "It's always gonna be there, isn't it? Me and you?"
For the many lovestruck teenage girls all over the world, I certainly hope so, Scott.

The mandatory update.

Second post of the night.

First one was dedicated to "emo writing"; well, only in the eyes of some actually.

This one will be the mandatory update that I feel compelled to deliver to my legions of avid readers. (Note: Dripping heavily with sarcasm.)

Where do I begin? Hmm, all's fine and well. On a much happier note, one of the considerably few things I can be proud of these days is that I've started exercising more regularly! I've started running again and exercise always makes me a very happy girl (:

Because, I quote Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, "Exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins make you happy!"

And that's my cue to continue doing my math assignment.
Hello trigonometry.

She can no longer fly.

I wish you would just give me a sign.
I don't know-
At least a smile?
A careless shrug?
A brief glance over your shoulder as your silhouette fades into the distance? (Eaten up by rough red tiles that burn in the mid-morning sun)
Before, I know it, you're gone (without a trace).
Yet again.
And all that's left of this trivial rendezvous is nothing more than an asinine girl standing in the glorious sunshine-
the resplendent rays of light illuminating her chest, baring the crushed organ within.
Valiantly, yes, every-so-valiantly,
she turns and tries (keyword being 'tries') to plunge into the depths of that all-too-familiar baby blue dotted with magnolia clouds-
But wait,
See those crippled, incapacitated things fluttering behind her?
You've maimed them beyond repair, and she,

She can no longer fly.

Waiting on my comet.

Hmm, my day was okay. School was school. And because I feel like it, peekchas coming your way, baby.

Indescribable.

Lucas: I don't hate you. I remember the first time I ever saw you; all skinny arms and tangled mess of hair. It was hard letting you go Peyton. It was hard losing you and it was hard seeing you again. It's still really hard.

Peyton: I know. While I'm asleep I have this dream where we're back in that hotel room in LA and you propose to me; and every single time I say yes.

Lucas: It's just a dream right?

Peyton: It's my dream.

No words could ever describe.

"Your art matters, it's what got me here."

- Lucas Scott.

Everyone needs somebody to touch their soul, just that once.

Yes, I choose blogger.

So it's a new blog.
And as the title of this post aptly states - Yes, I choose blogger. I know this is the age of xanga, wordpress, livejournal, tumblr et cetera, but somehow, blogger just holds this place in my (subconscious) heart even though it's way past it's heyday. I can't imagine typing my thoughts and feelings into any other online medium; it'll just be weird.

I've been watching Leyton (For those who are unacquainted with this magnificient pairing of human beings, Leyton = Lucas Scott + Peyton Sawyer, from One Tree Hill. Shame on you.) scenes on Youtube recently, especially those from Season 5 of OTH. And I have come to the conclusion that they are one of the best onscreen couples of all time. They've survived a love triangle (think Brucas vs. Leyton), a gun shooting incident, an obsessive stalker (Psycho Derek!), an almost-marriage (Poor Lindsay was the unfortunate victim) and each other. What's more, being the hormonally-imbalanced teenager that I am, they have some of the best quotes and linkages across all six seasons of OTH, and possibly of the entire TV drama circuit - definitely a worthy opponent of MerDer from Grey's.

When I'm older, wrinkled and hardened to the wonders, mysteries and miracles of this world, I think I might scoff at my poignant attempts at expressing the kind of love I witnessed in movies, shows, books. Perhaps I might end up a Love Scrooge, but instead of a growly "Bah, Humbug!", it'd probably be a "Bah, Love!" In the event that I do become a Love Scrooge (Hopefully sans the bristly eyebrows, oh the horror), I think just looking back at Leyton quotes, moments, scenes will possibly awaken that child-like spirit and zest in the methodically pumping chambers of my heart.